Why?

Written 3/23/08

Happy Easter!

So this is the second time that I have written this post. The first time, I was completely finished, hit post, and I lost it. I lost my wireless signal and no matter how many times I hit the back and forward buttons, I couldn’t get it back. This was a hard post to write, so I cussed. Or if you’re not from the south, (or if you haven’t relocated here for reasons you are still trying to figure out) I swore. Yes, readers, I hate to disappoint you, but I said a bad word. Repeatedly. In front of my kids. So now I will try to write this post again, and I’m sure it won’t be as lovely as the first time, especially now that you know I have infected the innocent ears of my beautiful children.

The vile and disgusting emotional issues that I have been dealing with, they got WORSE! This is why I have been neglecting this page and my inbox. And my telephone. I have accidentally slipped into a depression so severe that the only thing I can do is to spend HOURS reading another person’s webblog. This way I can get lost in her life and escape my own. The only other things that I can do right now are to tend to the basic needs of my children, occasionally throw in a load of laundry, and sometimes yell “CAN I PLEASE PEE BY MYSELF?” Plus the crying. The hours and hours of crying.

I say that I accidentally slipped into this depression, because I come from a family of chemical imbalance. Because of this knowledge of inherited predisposition, I usually FIGHT my way into feeling ok. Unfortunately, the vile and disturbing thing that my family is dealing with would send a normal, happy, sane, and non-predisposed to chemical imbalance person over the edge. For myself, teetering close to the edge anyway, I have fallen completely off. And it’s a steep, steep cliff.

I will just say that this vile and repulsive thing (why can’t I come up with another word than vile?) is non-health related. Unless, like me, you consider mental health as important as physical health. I will not publicly divulge these issues, but just know that they are really, really HARD.

Why do I do this? Who in their right mind would combine 7 children? Who in their right mind would combine 2 sets of twins? Who in their right mind would combine 7 children when there are financial issues? Who combines 7 children when 1 has cancer? Who combines 7 children when there are behavior issues? Who combines 7 children into a THREE-BEDROOM-HOUSE? The only other person I know who could possibly love their partner at the end of the night after everything that I deal with is my fiancé. If ever there were 9 people who were meant to go through life together, it is us. Somehow we have the patience, love, and yes, LAUGHTER to go through this crazy life. Sometimes it is really hard. Now is one of those times.

Rick, I adore you. I adore your children. I know that you adore my children. We WILL get through this. Please be strong enough for the both of us to carry me through. When I can, I will borrow some of that never-ending strength back.