Friday, November 20, 2009

I knew they were out there.



So I quit. Yes, I stopped writing. It was just too much, mainly because what I want to say, what is on my mind, in my mind, consuming my life, my every waking moment, is so insanely difficult and personal to my family, that I just can't do it. I know that I cannot get on here and pretend everything is ok. Nor can I get on here and try to find some part of my day not affected by the BULLSHIT that I can write about. Because it's superficial. Yet I cannot write about what is real, as my blog is not anonymous. I have never tried to be anonymous. My blog is full of pictures, first and last names, probably even locations. I have never lived a life that I would need to be anonymous about. I am who I am, and if you don't like it, GO AWAY! But this, this is not mine to share. This was not my doing, not anything that I chose, and not something that I am willing to present to the world. And I am so grateful that I didn't.

Kyley told me today that while in computer class, they had "free-time", so her and her friend read my blog. Yes people, it happened! Just search my name, search any of my kids names. Because of this, I have always been open with my kids that I have a blog, though they have never shown any interest in reading it. It happened! And I had the insight to NOT share. Even had I not shared the details, the pain would have seeped through, because I thought about it. I thought that maybe if I just shared my pain, my feelings, it would be ok. But I'm glad I didn't.

Maybe I should go anonymous? Maybe if I just give it a little more time, I can get back to writing something that doesn't involve heartache. Either way, I love you kids! I will never do anything to hurt you or embarass you. Ky, I'm glad you came here and found love and humor.

18 comments:

Mama to a diva said...

Do you keep a journal? You could always do a completely anonymous blog as well, and just journal your private thoughts there. Writing is good therapy for me, and I know you are a writer too, so maybe that would be a good option. Sending love!!

Suzanne said...

I did 3 anonymous ones, and it was very liberating! Try it :)

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