So Frustrated Part Deuce

So I just went and had yet another conversation with Kyley about Mr Science teacher.

I have serious concerns about reporting Mr. Science teacher, because we live in such a very, very conservative, religious, republican area. I am almost positive that if I did contact Mrs. Principal about this, I would be the first and only parent to ever do so. Therefore, I am sure that nothing would come of it. Doesn't Mr. Science teacher need more than one complaint in his 70 years of teaching to change his ways? So this makes me feel like there would be ramifications on my kid. She already had a couple of rough days at school involving politics. The first was the day the students had their "mock" elections, which of course afterward they discussed who they mock-voted for, and she discovered that ALL of her friends thought she was crazy and stupid for voting Obama. The worst day though, was the day after the real election, where she bravely wore her Obama t-shirt, and was chastized, and had complete strangers angry at her for wearing it.

And it's not just Kyley. Poor Brooke got in a raging yelling match at school, 3 against 1, when she mentioned her views on being pro-choice. It went as far as her being called a baby-killer. It was carried on at home, when we found out that her own twin sister was one of the 3 kids yelling at her. Thank-God that my kids are so self-assured. After this happened, Brooke turned the whole thing into an essay for an assignment, on something that she was passionate about. The whole essay was about being pro-choice, and thankfully the teacher saw her passion and (even if she didn't agree) gave her the "A" she deserved.

Anyway, living in a more rural area, in the South, is hard for a girl from Vermont. And I would love for my kids to be able to hear all viewpoints on politics, to be exposed to many different cultures, and religions, and to make their own choices as adults. And these past couple of months really woke me up, because from the start I didn't think I was very political, didn't think that I was doing a good job trying to teach my kids my views. I even wrote it on this very blog somewhere that I am not very politically minded. But obviously I have done something, because in this sea of conservatism, where my kids are getting religious teachings in public schools, where my kids are being told regularly that everything I believe is wrong, they are listening to me. They are forming their own beliefs. A couple of them very strongly are forming beliefs and standing firm in them. All of them voted Obama in their mock-elections, even the kindergarten ones. And they don't all agree with me or each other about everything, but at least they are talking and thinking about the shit.

And that day that Britney had been in the group of kids yelling at Brooke? We discussed it, and we discussed the reasons they both felt the way they did. And then I naturally did what I do, and argued my pro-choice position, and I used the best debates for my opinion that I could think of. And just when I got Britney switched over to my side, I realized what I had done, and how it went against the big picture of what I am trying to accomplish with these kids, and I quickly switched it up. I told Rick I felt bad, and I called her back into the kitchen, and debated to the very best of my ability all the reasons why she should be pro-LIFE. And that night, I knew in my heart that that 13 year old girl new more about the issues surrounding pro-choice/pro-life than many adults. And she had heard both sides, until she was holding her hands over her ears saying "I can't take anymore!" and could now make her own informed decision.

So this is my goal. Not for my kids to be clones of my beliefs, but to be educated, and have their own beliefs. And I am SO blessed to be able to have a conversation with my 11 yr. old kid about her teacher, and for her to first of all realize and vocalize her opposition of having to hear his political views in the classroom. Then on top of it, I know that the reason it bothers her so much is because she has strong political views OF HER OWN, which are the opposite of his. I am just so blessed to be able to deal with this as a parent. It makes me cry the happy tears. I can only hope and pray that in the future I get to have to make more of these hard decisions. Decisions that make it so clear to me that my kids are turning out fucking incredible, and that no matter how stressful it feels in our daily life and how monotonous the days seem, and how they just seem to run into each other with all of our running around, there are some seriously awesome things happening in my household.

My kids are turning out exactly how I hoped and prayed that they would. So do I wish I was raising them in VT, where everyone thinks the same way I do? Yes, on most days I do. Do I sometimes feel like I am doing them a disservice by raising them here, where they have to deal with this shit? Absolutely. But my god, I cannot even express how successful I feel as a parent right now.

Which still leaves me with this bitter-sweet parenting decision. Do I report Mr. Science teacher to Mrs Principal, knowing that 90% (at least) of our area believes exactly like Mr. Science teaher? Do I risk the repurcussions on my kid as even if I do it anonymously the kid with the Obama shirt would be the one suspected? It is wrong. I know it is. I also know it is illegal. But it is also the way of life here. But, (smiling) not in this house.

Parent-teacher Conferences

Yesterday was parent-teacher conference day. Always a big deal in our house, but this year was different. Having the boys in Kindergarten means we now have 7, yes SEVEN conferences to go to. How do you attend 7 parent-teacher conferences? Let me tell ya. Bear with me, one day my kids will look back on this, and want to know. So here we go...

First of all, for some reason, which I am still trying to grasp, only three out of our 7 dwarfs were responsible enough to bring home the sign-up sheets. On the sign-up sheets, you tell the teacher what 3 times would work for you, and then they send home a note with the time of your conference. So Rainia brought home her sheet, and was scheduled accordingly. As were the Kinder boys. For the unknown reason uummm...irresponsibility, NONE of our middle-sch. students got scheduled. So Wed. I told the kids they better get me a conference time. So Andrew did. They just listen so well. That left 4 out of 7 conferences actually scheduled.

So they got out of school at noon. The kinder-boys and Rainia took the bus as usual, and I headed to pick up Andrew and Kyley. As soon as I got there, Kyley says "I got you a time! And it's RIGHT NOW!" Quick internal conflict: Brooke and Brittney are waiting on me at the other Middle School. Rick is only going to be able to work until 1:30 today. The teacher's are waiting for me in the school. Shit! OK, let me just run in here and get this one down, and that will only leave six more. So I run into the school with Kyley and Andrew, have the conference, and run out. Kyley is on honor roll, 3 A's, 2 B's. PROUD!!!

We jump in the car and quick-drive over to the other middle-school. B&B get in the van. "Did you get me a time?" Nope. "Well girls, you are not getting out of this. Get your little butts in there and get me a time." Brooke runs back out to inform me that the teacher's can do RIGHT NOW. So I head into the school to explain that Rick really wants to be there, and can we get a later time? 3:30 is agreed upon, and we head home.

I get home to find Jake in his underwear and socks OUTSIDE which he knows he is not allowed to do. I quickly get him dressed, grab Josh, and we head to pick up Rick. We get to elementary school, a couple minutes early, so hit the book-fair. After Josh chooses a book for himself and Andrew (AAWWWWW), and Jake chooses a pointer, Yes people, a pointer, we head over to Kinder-building. Jake's conference is first. He is on grade level, did not identify a rectangle for his teacher. (WTF?) He sometimes has trouble staying on task, and Occasionally has attention issues. And oh, by the way, do you know how funny your son is? Uummm, yeah.

Josh is next. He is above grade level in every area, and unfortunately, even though he obviously has a speech deficit, he is not eligible for school-speech because he is reading. He is ready to start the "AR" program (accelerated reading) They will only fund speech classes if the deficit impairs his learning. He knows what the letters are, can identify them, and can sound them out into words (even if the words don't sound right). Internal dialogue: My kid is reading? Hhhmmm, why didn't I know this? Note to self= Have Josh read you a book. Damn, have Josh read Jake a book, let him take care of the night-time story from now on. This will definitely leave more time for wine. Also, apparently Josh doesn't know how to walk. He hops in line, and has to be told on a regular basis to stop jumping, skipping, etc.

We drop J&J off at home, and pick up B&B. We get to Middle Sch.#2, and they are having parent-student conferences, instead of parent-teacher conferences. We flip a coin, which makes Brooke's turn first. She reads off her grades, and the essay she has written on why her grades are what they are, and we are proud! 3 A's, 3 B's, and 1 C. Brittney is next, can someone say Proud Parents? Honor Roll! 3 A's, 4 B's. Then her math teacher jumps on her because she has the potential for an A, and received a B. Internal dialogue: Woman, you have about 2 seconds to shut-up. You are chastising my kid, who is on HONOR ROLL. Leave her alone.

We drop off B&B, and have about an hour before we need to be back at elem. for Rainia's conference. We use this time wisely of course. (We walk around the property, and decide where we will have our HUGE fantasy house built.) We then get Rainia, and head back to elementary sch. Another trip to spend $$ at the book-fair, and then on to the conference. We love Mrs. F, Kyley had her last year, and I use the time to gossip about our middle school kids. Her daughter is in Kyley and Andrew's social circle. Oh-yeah, and we spend some time talking about Rainia. 2 A's, 1 B, and 1 C. Proud!!! Oh, and she is citizen of the month this month, and will be getting an award tomorrow. Plus, she will not be taking Sierra to the bathroom anymore. Sierra is disabled and needs to use the special bathroom in the office, but Her and Rainia have been stopping to socialize with Mrs. Principal, and have been missing too much class-time. Internal=Uuummmm...who socializes with Mrs. Principal? Hhhmmm, my kids are nerds...I wonder if she gets close enough to Mrs. Principal, will she get some sort of award? Will Mrs. Principal take special interest in the boys? You go little brown-noser!!!

We get home with just enough time for the girls to quick-change into cheer-leading clothes, and to grab Andrew. YAY!!! ALMOST DONE! We drop off Brooke and Rain at Cheerleading, and head over to Middle Sch.#1. We are the last conference of the day. (It is 6:45) Andrew is doing great, but is missing his math workbook, and a library book. He has 1 A, 2 B's, and 3 C's. This is really a great report card, considering how much harder he has to work compared to the other kids. On our way out, we check his locker, and find missing workbook, and missing library book. Relief. And we are Done!!!

Until 8:00, when we have to leave again to pick up the girls at cheer. Busy, busy day. And I wouldn't have it any other way. WooHoo!!! We have amazing kids! And are SSOOOOOO Proud, of each and every one of them!

THAT mother

I am sick. I have a terrible cold, and have been too tired at the end of the night to write anything.

I do want to talk about Rainia's elections, because I was so proud of her, and am THAT mom. 2 years ago, when Kyley was in 4th grade, Rainia's age now, she was also elected into student council. She was running for vice-president. We spent hours writing the perfect speech, and she delivered it flawlessly. I didn't know until I got there what the parents with older siblings already knew. The speech in elementary school doesn't matter.

There were students doing flips, students in costumes, and students throwing things into the crowd. There were students who brought their older siblings to do the speech for them, and students with music. It was a show like I had never seen. It had absolutely nothing to do with the position the kids were running for, and everything to do with the “awe” factor. So poor Kyley delivered her speech beautifully, but didn’t stand a chance.

So this year, with Rainia, I was prepared. We decided that we would spend a lot less time on the speech, and a lot more time on the tricks. Her sisters volunteered to help, and I left it to them. They are, after all, the professionals.

So they created a lift, and Kyley even went to cheerleading with them so that she could learn how to spot. (Safety first.) So when it was Rainia’s turn, they lifted her high into the air, where she balanced perfectly. I handed her the microphone, and she delivered the speech she had memorized. When she was done, they threw her up, and caught her flawlessly. It was beautiful.

How was I supposed to know that in the last 2 years since Kyley was there that the school had been working on getting the kids to stop doing tricks? How was I supposed to know that she would be 1 of only 2 students who did anything other than stand sweetly at the podium and read their speech? How I ask you, how? So I became THAT mother. The one who tries to get her kid to show-up the other kids. But, I tell you people, it was not my fault.

History in the making

I don't consider myself to be very politically minded. There are some things that I have strong opinions on, because they affect me very personally. But for the most part, I don't think that I am knowledgeable enough to rant and rave on politics. I know who I'm voting for, but I don't do campaign contributions. I wouldn't say that politics are a huge part of my life. My Mom, on the other hand, well let me just say straight from the words of my good friend Shannon, "My Mama Loves Obama." Whether you love Obama or not, no one can dispute the fact that this is indeed a historical election. This is why I gladly allowed my Mom to take our three oldest girls with her, my brother, and his girlfriend, to see Obama in uptown Charlotte. With 30,000 other people. I guess there were actually 29,995 other people. :)

They were so excited to tell me all about it when they got home. Before this field-trip, we had rarely spoken about anything political. I guess that I'm not really doing my job, as I do believe that you should raise your kids in a way that encourages the thought process that you believe to be right. This is what parenting is all about. You try to teach your children to be the adults that you hope they turn out to be. So when they come to me with any questions or issues, I feel wonderful and free to discuss the issues and give them my opinions. I guess I just wish that I was initiating more of these conversations.

One of our girls has had more of an interest in these type of conversations then the other kids, but now, after this field-trip, the other girls are suddenly interested. It is wonderful. Brooke even remarked that now she was going to like Social Studies class, because it would be interesting to her. So if for nothing more than that, mission accomplished.

Please ignore the big yellow wrong date in all of these pics.

Kyley looking just so happy to be taking a picture


Brooke and her new best friend


Some security very high in the sky


And the reason for all the security




And a random picture of Charlotte that they found interesting


I'm still working on getting my brother's pics. If he has anything good, I'll post it at a later time. All in all, I feel like my kids have participated in something beyond them. Beyond the scope of middle school drama. Beyond the scope of what we live and do on a daily basis. This was big. I feel that they have grown from this experience, in ways that we wont even know for years to come. So thank-you Mom, yet again, for doing an awesome job.

Oh, and I have to say, Brooke is running for school president, and Rainia is running for school secretary. Both are already through the preliminaries. Good luck girls!

Also, I was given this cool link from a girl on the knot. Thanks Everam. It's just a little game where you can match up your beliefs with what the candidates are saying. They don't let you know till the end who said what. I thought it was interesting, and it confirmed my vote. (I don't know how, but it also confirmed the votes of some of my friends who said they were voting for the other guy) Check it out!

Dear family,

Do not fear. As you well know, not all children turn out thinking politically like their parents, or other siblings. Some go in the opposite direction. Not to mention, I am raising them in the oh-so-open-minded south, where I am sure that they get plenty of the other viewpoint as well. Surely at least one of them will turn out to be on your side. Hell, there are 7 of them. Maybe you will get 2.

P.S.- If you get 2 of them, the other 5 will more than cancel out their votes. hehe.

Cut the boy some slack!

OK, another look into the e-mail inbox. Man, that seems to be all this blog is about lately. Alright, I promise, this is the last one for a while. And, in this one I was VERY nice, because I know when to use the honey to catch the bees.

Ms. Teacher,

Hi!

I have a concern about Andrew today.

He says that he is positive that he put his homework folder in the appropriate place. He says that when you looked it wasn't there. He says that he had break detention because of it. He is worried that he will continue to have break detention, and not get homework passes because now he doesn't know where the folder is.

I know that he is trying extremely hard, and was so excited to get a homework pass last week.

Background info:

Andrew has cancer, and has no vision in one eye and limited vision in the other. He has had radiation treatments, which have affected his cognition. We are waiting for his first IEP meeting, have already spoken to a counselor, and understand that they will schedule it as soon as they can.

I only bring this up because is there any way that he could have placed the homework folder close to the box and not actually in the box due to his vision problems?

I looked through his bookbag and it is not there. I am more than willing to help him look through his locker, but I am hoping to avoid having to come to the school to help him find it, as this would be embarrassing for him.

Please let me know if you have any suggestions, as I am not sure what to do to help him.



Thanks so much,

Heidi Underhill McQueen

And the e-mail I received:

Ms. Underhill,

Andrew's folder was found. It was placed into the wrong class's homework tray. Since it was not signed, I gave it to the student in that class who has the same class number as Andrew. During planning yesterday, I checked into what happened to Andrew's folder. The other student returned it to me this morning and I then gave it to Andrew and explained what happened. Hopefully he will remember to bring it home tonight and you can sign it.

Thanks for your understanding and have a good day.

Ms. Teacher

I completely understand that we haven't had an IEP meeting yet. But we TOLD Ms. Teacher that Andrew had cancer and vision problems. When he told her that he turned it in during class that day, and she couldn't find it, could she not just take a little peek into the tray right next to the "correct" tray? It would have been on top of the pile. Did she HAVE to give him detention for placing it the wrong tray? OK, I understand it was his fault, but he has been trying SO hard. And now he has a DETENTION on the record. blah! Cut the boy some slack!!!

mixed feelings

So I really try to not speak (write) on this topic very often because:

A) It seems braggy to me, and I'm not that kind of gal.

and B) It is REALLY not a big deal at our house. We have 7 kids, and ALL of them are incredible, and special, and make us proud.

KYLEY

Is gifted. She tests out in the 99th% of kids in our state in Language Arts. She tests out in the 97th% of kids in our state in math. She was reading before she went to kindergarten, and is in AIG at school. She is now in an all day AIG program at school, compared to elementary, when she had AIG once a week. (Hooray for crack-town middle school for offering this program!!!) To be accepted into the program, she had to test into it in LA(language arts) and MA(math). Some of her elementary AIG friends didn't make it.

I've been wondering how this was going to play out, as she has always been one of the two or three "smartest" kids in her class, and has always stood out as such. Now, in this program, she is only with the other students that were at the top of their elementary schools. I figured this could go a few different ways.

1) She would get VERY competitive, and try to rise to the top of the class.

2) She would blend in, and find herself average in a higher level class.

3) She would get overwhelmed at not being the "best", and give up.

I didn't actually sit her down and talk to her about my concerns, because I wanted to allow her the ability to work it out in her own head. I wanted to see what would naturally happen, before we discussed it.

The 2nd and 3rd day of school, she came home and cried during homework. I think it was a combination of stress during school, and for the first time actually having to struggle with something. I check their homework, so that I can try to help them learn the material that they are struggling with. For the other kids, it's never been a big deal. I lightly circle in pencil the ones they got wrong, and they try to fix it themselves. If they can't figure it out, I help them. So Kyley had a difficult math homework, two days in a row, and when I circled the problems she got wrong, she cried. She realized she wasn't perfect, and she wasn't used to it.

I can remember when she was younger the one other incident that she had gotten something wrong on a homework. I think it was 2nd grade. When I circled the problem, she cried, and started the whole thing over, because she felt that the teacher would be able to see the eraser marks on the paper from where she had gotten a wrong answer.

Kyley had a project recently. It was a fun project, and she had to put some pictures on it. I got her the picture corner things, so that after the project she could have her pics back with no damage to them. So she did the project, and I looked at it, and guess what? There was a little piece of the poster-board that was ripped. She quickly told me that she had put the picture corner thing in the wrong place, and when she tried to pull it off, it ripped the poster-board. She proceeded to tell me, before I could say anything, "It's OK Mom. It's not a big deal. You can barely see it." WHAT???? Who is this kid, and where is my daughter? I was SO happy for her. She didn't cry, she didn't do it over, and she told me that day, when I picked her up, that she thought her project was the best one. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HOORAY!!!

She brought it up this weekend. I was going to broach the subject soon, but she started the conversation. "I don't think I really stand out at school this year."
"Oh-yeah?" I asked.
"Yeah." she said. "All the kids are really smart, they even go around telling eachother how smart they are."
"Well, you know Ky, they are all AIG kids. You're in an advanced program."
"I know." She said. "But I'm used to standing out, and it's weird."
"Kyley, how does that feel? Do you feel bad or guilty?"
"No Mom, I'm getting used to it. I just feel like I blend in. I guess I just feel normal." I wanted to scream, hug her, and cry for her all at the same time. How hard this must be, but also maybe a relief to realize that she didn't have to be the best? I didn't actually know what to say.
"Well Kyley, You are super intelligent, and you should be proud of yourself. Plus, you told me that your LA teacher has nicknamed you the Grammar Guru."
"Yeah, I still stand out in LA, but I think Maddie stands out more. I'm probably number 2 in LA."
Now we have already talked about Maddie. I knew that Maddie was on her mind, because Maddie transferred from private to public school this year, and I knew her because she beat out 4th-8th grade last year at her private school and made it to the county spelling bee. Kyley only had to deal with 4th-5th grade to go to the same spelling bee.
"Are you worried about the spelling bee Ky?" I asked.
"Yeah, she answered. I know Maddie will beat me."

About this time we were interrupted, and the subject hasn't come up again. I'm sad for her, and I'm happy for her, and I had to get this out, because it's been weighing heavily on my mind. I'm glad that she's dealing with this now, because a lot of kids, especially in smaller areas, don't get a program like this. In fact, it's the only one I know of in our county. And when these kids get to college, and meet other "smart" kids, they are shocked, and overwhelmed, and don't know how to deal with it. So I'm glad she's working through this now, and also learning important study skills that she wouldn't need if she wasn't in this program.

But I'm also sad. She has lost part of her identity, the thing that made her special, and I know that must be hard for her. Plus, what am I going to do come awards day, and don't have an experience like the beginning of this post. Or when Spelling Bee season comes around, and I don't get to feel this. And I feel like I've lost something too. I know how silly that sounds, and I know that there needs to be a difference between being proud of my kid, and being so wrapped up in my kid that her experiences are the basis of how I feel. But it's hard. And I'm sad.

Field of Dreams

Written 2/21/08

Everything is well with Andrew, we are still planning on going up to Duke this weekend. He will have testing Mon. and Tue. we will get the results on Thur. The doctors will tell us if they recommend chemo. We are praying for good results.

Make-a-Wish called and they will be coming out on Mar. 1st for his interview. Our prayer on this is that Andrew is sensable. He has been talking about a baseball field in the back yard. Not so wise, as my mother owns the land, and if we buy it from her, we will be building our house right where he wants his field.

The Call

Written 2/7/2008

Quick update- The Make A Wish Foundation called during lunch today. We knew that Andrew was eligible, we knew that the Doctors at Duke were going to refer him, we even spoke to him about it. Why was it such a hard phone call? When I talked to Andrew about getting to have this great wish he was excited, and so was I. When Rick and I talked about it we were both happy for him. Why now, that we got the call, does it seem so sad?

Thank-God

Written 2/1/08

We were encouraged by the social worker at Duke to begin this page, as it will be an easy way to keep everyone updated at the same time. Please don't stop your wonderful, supportive phone calls, as we love these.

As those of you who know us already know, we have recently switched health-care providers from Charlotte to the Robert Preston Tisch Brain Tumor Center at Duke. I encourage you to visit their website. We are extremely excited about this switch, as we finally feel that we are in capable hands. We feel as if the world has been lifted off of our shoulders, and we don't need to make these crazy, life-altering decisions on our own or uninformed any longer.

For those of you who don't know, Andrew was scheduled for his second brain surgery on Jan. 14th. Both Rick and I were extremely hesitant and scared of this surgery, because of Andrew's experience with his first surgery, and because of our amazing Lord putting fear and hesitation into our hearts through the Holy Spirit. In the last few months Andrew's dizzy spells have increased in number, both at school and at home. He could usually recover from these, by sitting on the floor and waiting for it to pass. Unfortunately, right before Christmas vacation, Andrew had a bad spell at school, which he was unable to recover from. Rick picked him up from school, and during vacation, Andrew got progressively worse, finally unable to walk at all.

Andrew was extremely ill, unable to walk, and spending his days at work with Rick, using his wheel-chair for mobility. This is why we agreed to the surgery, which his surgeon had been trying to get us to agree to for some time. On Jan. 11th, 3 days before his scheduled surgery, Andrew got out of his wheel-chair and went outside to play at the shop (Rick's car-lot). The next day, while home with me, Andrew went outside to play basket-ball with Brooke, where he spent most of the day. The following day, Jan. 13th, we went to church, where our pastors and elders annointed Andrew with oil, and we laid hands on him to pray for healing, and a succesful surgery. Andrew later told us that little Joshua's idea of laying hands was to repeatedly push on Andrew's cheek with his little fist.

That eventing, at home, Andrew was dancing in the living room, while Rick and I looked on in amazement. These three days were extremely hard on Rick and I, as we battled the Doctor's advice with what we were witnessing. We talked, we prayed, we cried, we laughed, we fought, and we prayed some more. Sunday night, we spent over an hour in the car (where we have most of our adult conversations. The only place out of ear-shot) parked in our own yard, and tried to put into words what we both were feeling. Monday morning, the day of Andrew's surgery, we woke up at 4:oo am, both of us praying for clarity. We got Andrew ready, and loaded him into the car. while on route to the hospital, we came to an agreement. We knew what we had to do.

When we got the hospital, at our scheduled time to begin the anesthesia process, we told the receptionist we were cancelling the surgery. After speaking with the doctors, knowing we were doing this against medical advice, we gathered all of Andrew's medical records and MRI's and headed up to Duke, not even knowing how to get there. TGF verizon navigation option on our cell-phone. When we showed up at Duke, without a referral or appointment, crying for them to take our records, we know how we must have looked. When we called our family and friends, we know how we must have sounded.

They granted our appointment! The two week wait was agonizing. Fortunately as you may know, when we finally got our appointment, all of our prayers were answered. We were told that the cyst on Andrew's tumor had imploded, and that if we had gone through with the surgery, the results would have been devastating! Thank-you Lord Thank-you Lord. Thank-you Lord.