Thursday, September 18, 2008

Couch to 5K......My Way

The ten tips of a successful excercise program:

1)Try on a beautiful gown that you are in love with. Have the seamstress tell you that you need to lose 3-5 lbs. to wear the dress. Buy the dress anyway.

2)Find a partner. Make sure the partner that you chose is someone who you feel comfortable saying very bad words around, because it will happen. In fact, the partner should be someone that you can actually CALL a very bad name, because this is very likely to happen as well.

3)Do minimal research on your program. Find a program that has a catchy name, and google the program. Do not actually read the sites that come up on google. Just read the headlines. (Podcast? What podcast?)

4)Tell your partner to make you do the program. (see above about choosing a partner that you can call a bastard) Not the actual program mind you, because you haven’t done any research. The program that you make up as you go along. It may help to tell him/her that you DID do the research, because they may be more apt to do it your way.

5)Bring your dog. There will come a time when you do not give a damn anymore that your partner is wanting to do the program. Your dog, on the other hand, has the cutest wittle bittle sad eyes in the world, and she wants to wunny wun yes she does.

6)Shave your armpits on a regular basis. Seriously. When you run, your arms will inadvertently move. If you don’t shave your armpits, they will be very prickly and become itchy. At some point you will scratch them, and then, under your fingernails, you will find a clump of deodorant mixed with sweat. Not at all pleasant.

7)Choose a spot to run that is not near any children or elderly. This way, you will have no qualms about yelling out your very bad words, if need be.

8)Keep lots of snacks on hand. No one told me, but I will tell you, your appetite will go up! You will have an insatiable hunger like never before. I prefer

and these:

But, if you find that you run out, feel free to dig into your child’s supply of these:

Hint: These are small bags, so make sure to eat two at a time.

9)You will be thirsty, so buy some of this:

You will have heard that you are supposed to drink water, and we all know that it is not so yummy, so keep this stuff in the fridge, and rejoice that you are doing something "good" for your body.

10)If you chose a program with a title like mine, make sure to do ample amount of the “couch” part of the program. You got off your ass and worked up a sweat. You deserve it dammit!

1 comment:

Shannie said...

HILARIOUS!!!! Sounds a lot like me when I exercise... :-)