Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I am not Alone.

I've never touched on anything so personal here before. I just got back from reading Baggage's recent post and I cried. Hard. Because I was dealing with my past today, and I had a conversation with Rick about it, and then she wrote about it. And it's weird that she would write about it today. She is brave, and open, and I feel like I'm not alone, and that is a good feeling. So for that reason, I will share the conversation that I had with Rick today.

Me: What are you doing?

Rick: Just got done talking with a customer, what are you doing?

Me: On my way to the school. Are you alone?

Rick: Yes, I'm in the office, by myself. What's going on?

Me: I was thinking about what happened to me when I was 4. You know what I'm talking about?

Rick: Yeah, the abuse. Are you OK?

Me: I made a tape. I know because my Mom told me years ago. The dectectives interviewed me, and it's on tape. What do you think about me trying to locate the tape?

Rick: Oh. I don't know. I don't know if that would be such a good idea. Why would you want to do that?

Me: Because I don't know if my memories are real. My memory is foggy, and I can't recall everything.

Rick: That might be a good thing. It might bring up all sorts of issues if you heard it. That would be really hard.

Me: But I already have issues. I have relationship issues, and I have sexual issues, and there are parts of my body that you can't touch, and there are parts of your body that I don't want to touch, and I'm messed up. I just want to be normal. Maybe if I can hear it, and work it out in my head, I'll get better.

Rick: I don't think that is something that you can just work out in your head. I really think you might open up more than we can handle. I wouldn't want you going off the deep end or anything. Where would you get it? The police in VT?

Me: I guess. I don't think there is a time limit on that kind of crime. I guess they still have the tape. I don't know.

Rick: Why now? Why do you want to find the tape all of a sudden?

Me: I've been thinking about it for ten years.

Rick: Oh. Maybe you should try to find it then, if you've been thinking about listening to it for ten years.

Me: I'm at the school. I can't talk about this anymore, here comes Kyley.

And then tonight, when I read Baggage's emotional post, I cried, and I showed Rick, and he read it. And I am so lucky to have someone who will deal with this with me. And although he doesn't and can't understand, he listens. But Baggage understands. She's been there. And that felt good. So she gave me the courage to talk about this. Because I understand too, and I know that we are not alone. That the statistics say one in four women will be sexually abused.

This was not my fault. So why shouldn't I talk about it? I don't need to feel like there is something wrong with me anymore. I don't need to feel guilty, or bad, or less than. I didn't ask for this, so why do I need to carry around shame, and guilt, and secrecy?

1 comment:

Lorraine Woodward said...

(found your blog through Baggage, actually)

1 in 4 is bull#$%$ to me. I know so few of my friends who HAVEN'T been abused that sometimes it feels more like 1 in 2 to me. Could it really be that I just tend to connect with these folks? somehow, I think it's more than that.